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Heavy Feelings ~

There’s nothing new in feeling overwhelmed and heavy.

I mean, I almost always feel that way and it’s so annoying and I’m exhausted.

I missed my grandfather today. I don’t even know why but I felt guilty for not spending time with him when he got sick.

It hurt me to see him like that.

I wanted to go back to the days where I happily ate dinner with him late at night.

And now I hope he’s in a good place.

One thing I don’t understand about myself is why I let my emotions control me.

I’m frustrated that I always fall into the pit of misery and I try so hard and it still won’t be good enough.

I like a guy and I thought we were getting serious because I was happy with him and he treated me right. Also respected me. I was healing because of him. I guess he was healing too. We gave each other a chance to get better together and that was the most beautiful part of my life.

We had a platonic friendship that turned into a situationship that none of our friends knew about and we were just happy with each other.

But it hurt because we weren’t officially together and now we decided that “us” can never happen because we have so much complications. (which I knew from the beginning but it’s him… and I kinda had hope for us..)

And now I’ve to get over someone I didn’t even date. He’s not even mine to lose… but it feels like torture because I have so much respect for him and I trust him too.

I can’t help but wonder if I’d lose his friendship and he promised me we wouldn’t but I’m still worried.

I see people dating casually and being in a relationship after breaking up and I’m not judging them for it but why am I not like that?

I care and love and give too much to others and if I expect a little I get brutally hurt.

And honestly, I don’t know why I’m even writing this😂

I always kinda have these weird mixed emotions when I’m overthinking but every time it feels new and hurts a little bit more.

That sucks.

I hope I get better for myself because there’s no one else to blame but me.

And the fact that I’ve to deal with more stuff with my family gives me more anxiety.

Have any of you been feeling this way lately? What did you do to overcome it?

I hope we all get the mental peace we yearn for.

Until next time.

xoxo

20?¿!¡

Okay I know I never wanted to blog about my birthday because I’m almost always overwhelmed by it.

Even as a young girl I wasn’t really that excited about dressing up and giving chocolates to others because all of their attention would be at me and I was petrified of that.

And honestly, I don’t see what’s so exciting about growing old anyway😂. But that’s just my opinion and I just hate my own birthday so all is good.

🙃

My birthday was on October 5.

I was feeling so miserable and really sad for the reason that I’ve to deal with a lot of difficult stuff moving forward and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet but then again if I don’t fight for it I’d be more miserable. (Which is a cherry on top)

Anyway, my friend… he was really sweet and he planned everything to make me feel so much better and I did. He made so much effort and put his time, money and energy into it and I was so happy about that because not many people in my life do something like this.

So yeah. I was happy to meet my friends but guess what happened next?

My parents.

Now, I don’t really understand the logic of my parents here. (Oh wait, no. I never understood them)

It was my birthday and I wanted to spend some time with my friends. What’s the big deal in that right?

My mom was like, “you can go out as much as you can after you get married”.

I totally lost it.

What even is their point? What logic do they have?

Like what is wrong with them?!

They’re not okay with me hanging out with people I know very well but they’re very comfortable with me marrying and sleeping with someone I barely know?!

No I don’t understand. I’m genuinely so pissed at how psychotic their mind is.

And that’s not even the worst part.

I had to fight to go out on my own birthday and I was so drained by the time I did that I hurt my friends and was being such a burden. (I really wonder how they haven’t dumped me yet)

I apologised to them profusely.

Only thing that was nice that day was I got a good hug and I played with my friends doggo.

I also wanted to go to my grandparents house. But I couldn’t. Guess why?

My parents got me a diamond earring and my dad and his parents are not on talking terms or whatever so he didn’t wanna send me because then my grandparents will keep pestering him.

What logic is this? I-

And after that, today it was raining but I had to go to college because exams are nearing and I need attendance.

I could’ve taken the bus. I could’ve told my guy friends to drop me. (I could’ve booked an auto but at that time all the drivers were an ass. No offence) Plus while I was trying to book my auto my dad thought I was texting a guy so early in the morning… idk what kinda logic he has (part 74738)

But no my parents won’t agree to logical reasoning. (Because they flushed their brain down the toilet.🙂)

And my dad said he’d drop me.

I didn’t ask him that. But I was just glad that he at least thought of dropping me.

However, I ended up getting ptsd.

There was SO MUCH TRAFFIC that annoyed the hell outta us. I’m not gonna lie… I literally just wanted to drop dead.

Because my dad… doesn’t trust me. Doesn’t respect me. Doesn’t give me emotional support. Doesn’t try to understand me.

And I’m not even exaggerating because my own father threatened to beat me (and he literally put forth his toxic masculinity here by saying how physically powerful he is because if he ever laid his hand on me I’d be in the hospital. His words. Not mine.) and kill me because I’m adamant and selfish and he’s not able to control me because I don’t listen to him.

I maybe overthinking here or overreacting. I don’t know. But I actually wanted to jump out of the car and kill myself because that was pure torture.

I had to control my tears. My entire body hurt. My mind. My heart. My bones. Flesh. Muscles.

Everything in me hurt.

Just pure hurt.

I don’t know. I don’t even remember hugging him or bonding with him because I tried.

I tried talking to him too but it only makes matters worse.

He’s good with my mom and my sister but why not me?

And later I realised that I’ve father issues.

I mean that’s just great!

Because now I understand why I’m like this thanks to my dad. And I ended up getting a nightmare where he’s the beating the shit out of me and I felt how my body was so rigid and tensed and it was so scary I just laid there sweating…

I look at girls who have such loving father and I ache for something like that.

I wanted to earn to support him financially because he works so hard.

And what do I get?

Trauma.

*Sigh*

I’m sorry this blog post is like a rant. But I just wanted it to be like an outlet because this platform brought a really positive side to my life and I’m happy about it.

Do any of you deal with stuff like this? Do you have parents that are mentally painful? (I’m saying that because all my life I’ve been dealing with this and people around me are studying abroad and being independent and my parents just wanna get me married and send me away which I think is very unfair.)

If you have any advice or want to share your experience… you can trust me and we can talk about it.

xoxo

Travel Blog #3: DakshinChitra, Chennai, India

Why didn’t I blog about this fabulous, elegant and SUPER BEAUTIFUL place?!!

I have no idea why and since I just figured that I never posted about it imma do it now.

DakshinChitra is a museum that focuses on the cultural heritage of architecture, arts and crafts of South India.

It is filled with so much history and it’s such a lively place that even couples get married there so they could revisit after long years. Sounds so enchanting right?

And yes, I visited this place with my friend bunking college 😂 (can’t really help if my parents are super strict)

Anyway, when he heard that it was museum that we’re visiting he got annoyed because he thought it’d be “boring” but sir had so much fun.😂❤️

I’ll post few pics that I took to share with you guys..

I visited this long back and from the pictures I took it said December 2, 2021.

Omggg! So long since I went there but that day is crystal clear in my mind because I had so much fun.👉🏻👈🏻

This was the first setting we saw after entering. So aesthetically good rightttt?😭❤️

As soon as we entered the entire place was empty and quiet and my friend wasn’t excited at all.

There were old people around the place and he thought this wasn’t something young people would visit to 😂 but I didn’t pay much attention to him because I was so in awe with how beautiful they set the place.

This is how all the architecture looked like in the ancient times.

I swear to god, I felt like we took a time machine to the olden days because it was all so realistic.

I was running around taking pictures and mentally I was writing all about it in my head.😂

I loved this place so much for the reason that it gave me strong artistic vibes and I just loved that energy this place was radiating.

Pinterest worthy pic?

We walked a long way visiting all kinds of houses but I couldn’t take much pictures and I found this place to be really calm and vibrant and notice how there’s sun even in December?🙃

This lake is straight outta heaven!

My friend and I sat down under a tree for a while just looking at the lake and not getting enough of how charming it was.

He ran to the other side and told me to take pictures of him and I did ( he even posted it on his Instagram 😂).

And he had this urge to push me down the water.🙄

I think this is how traditional houses in Andhra Pradesh look like.

I don’t remember exactly because like I said, I didn’t photograph the houses and while looking around I just took a quick snap of this house.

Such a cute grandpa.🥰❤️

Yessss! I even made mud pots. It was super difficult to make but I had so much fun. There are other exciting activities too but this was the only one I could afford.

Such cute stalls!🤍

The stalls were tiny and so adorable and I even got some souvenirs from the store so I could remember the place because my heart couldn’t handle all the loveliness of it!

And by the time I went back the pot I created didn’t dry that much and it was already late so I left the pot there and came back. 🥲

However, this place will forever be in my mind and it would be nice if I get engaged in that place but okay there’s still time.😂

And by this I’m gonna end my blog post here.

What are your thoughts on this? Are there any more places like this in Chennai? Let me know and I’ll try bunking college to visit it.

Until next time.

xoxo

Living Inside Your Head.

One of the thing I hate about myself is that I actually believe everything… all the bullshit I conspire within myself.

I live inside my head wayyyyy too much and at times I cannot handle it because I know I’m super toxic and distant myself from others.

That’s what I’m doing right now.

Some of my insecurities hit me and I couldn’t handle it and the voice inside my head started criticising me and legit has an opinion on EVERYTHING!!!!

I have no idea how to come out of it because I get scared, overwhelmed, anxious and being a hormonal lady doesn’t help matters whatsoever.

It’s so frustrating and I’m SO SICK OF THISSSSS!!!!

I want to live a normal life without my own head being a pain my ass because honestly I’m so freaking tired all the time and hating myself for anything and everything I do.

Like, gimme a break. I’m trying.🥲

The last relationship I had made me believe that I’d never end up with a constant and healthy partner because even in that toxic relationship I was holding onto him like my life depended on it.

Right now, I’ve seen many genuine guys trying their best. Some even told me they like me and would like to see how things turn out.

Sounds healthy right?

But no.

This is me.

Running away from genuine guys because my heart cannot handle another pain.

I can remember the amount of grief and my heart getting ripped out (and I’m not even exaggerating… I literally felt like my heart was bleeding to death…) when my ex dumped me and each time a guy says he likes me or I genuinely like some guy… I instantly overthink it. And run away from it as far as I can.

And it’s not just with looking for a partner (but mostly that) it’s also with friends.

I think all crazy outcomes except the good ones (which makes me a complete traitor when I think about it because I advise the opposite to other people).

The dangerous part here is I actually believe I’m not worthy of being in a good place in life or relationship or whatever the hell you need to survive. I believe my own thoughts over the reality of the situation and I’m not blaming anyone here but myself.

I think I need therapy.

I don’t know. I just want to be at peace. I’m tired mentally and no matter how much I try I feel like I don’t deserve anything good.

I believe I’m not good enough when I know I’m kind and nice.

I just want the love I give others and even when I get it I never trust it. (Oh my goodness I’m so annoyed with myself!) I have good friends around me who care about me so much and give me reassurance and be there for me when I need them but my insecurities and the voice in my head… I don’t like it.

I freaking hate myself!!!

Even right now my head is screaming about something and I’m trying my best to avoid it but I feel so restless and I just want to run away.

I don’t know what I need to have closure or if there is one.

Honestly, I don’t know what my problem is because I’m doing better, I’m surrounded by good people, I have an aspiration in life and I’m actually working so hard to achieve that.

SO WHY DO I FEEL SO WORTHLESS AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH?! WHY DO I BELIEVE THAT I DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING GOOD?!

Please, I sound so pathetic because I pity myself and feel sorry for myself.

You spend most of your life inside your head.

Make it a nice place.

I don’t… I don’t have anything to feel good about myself…

I’m so pathetic, desperate and a miserable piece of shit and I’m scared I’d eventually push everyone away or they’ll dump me (which will happen mostly)

Ugh!

I cannot.

Do you feel like this sometimes? Like your own bloody thoughts are controlling you? Is it just a weird and annoying phase you deal with as you grow?

I know that all the trauma I dealt with all these years are finally manifested into this depressing situation. Or what is it?!

Share your thoughts on this and I’m sure whoever feels the same aren’t alone.

We all feel lonely at times, I guess.

Until next time.

xoxo

I’m still Alive 2.0

Spoiler alert! I’m getting a tattoo!

“YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. SO DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU. LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO.”

Haiii!!!!

I know that I couldn’t balance blogging and my personal life. I just… I couldn’t think of what to blog about…

I’m aware that I’ve been typing the same dialogue for the last two blogs but yes, I don’t know what happened but I just felt disinterested to write about whatever the hell I was feeling plus there was literally nothing much to say.

I’m still busy with college work, teaching my kid sister and applying for online workshops.

However, I don’t know if it’s academic stress or constantly hurting my feelings and those around me (not intentionally; that’s a whole other story).

I don’t feel like myself.

I feel so disconnected and distant and I have no idea why. Besides it doesn’t even feel like mood swings. So I don’t know what happened.

I had an accident recently.

Okay I wouldn’t say it was an accident and no, no one got hurt (except me)

I was going to college with dad because he was dropping me in his bike and one stupid dude in front of us suddenly stopped without any proper indication. My dad tried to hold the brake but the bike skidded and I didn’t fall down but I somehow hurt my hand.

Thing is, this incident took the best of me and levelled up my anxiety. Ever since I’ve been thinking about all the possible ways I could die and my imagination is so vivid it scares me.

And I’ve been getting nightmares too. Now I don’t remember what I dream about but I wake up drenched in sweat or disturbed. It’s so annoying because it’s not even an accident but I don’t know what it did to me.

I panic a lot getting on a bike but I don’t show it out to mom or dad because they’d be worried.

Anyway, I had a profound epiphany and to say that I’m a stupid person who cannot think straight is an understatement.

I feel all kinds of emotions but happiness and peace.

But yes, I’ve been miserable for as long as I can remember (to a point that I slowly dreaded writing).

I came into conclusion that I need to do something impulsive. Selfish. Reckless. Lose control. And don’t give a shit! (Sorry about my language..)

Since my friends won’t get me alcohol, I have saved money to get a tattoo.

To getting a tattoo while you’re in the last year of college, creating a memory, with your own money, and without your parents knowledge sounds just about right.

Okay, I wouldn’t say it’s impulsive or therapy gone wrong because I thought about it.

A LOT!

And I decided that getting a permanent tattoo sounds fun because I’m excited to do something for myself.

I planned to get a rose tattoo (which has a beautiful meaning and a special place in my heart and of course it’s personal) with the word “Hope” written instead of a stem.

(Please give me better suggestions and I don’t really care if you judge me for this but the tattoo I’m getting is very meaningful and I’m so happy about it!)

I’m just super restless about this so I’ll be getting it soon. Hopefully.

And I’m glad I have blogged about this to you guys.

I’d really appreciate it if you drop what you think about this and give me a good head start.

You only live once right? So live a life that you’ll remember!

Until next time.

xoxo

I’M STILL ALIVE!

Hello WordPress!

Oh my god! I know it’s been SO LONG. I just couldn’t handle everything once college started.

Regular classes are going on and now I’m writing exams. Offline. For the very first time.

I still have few more subjects to write but it’s so stressful and I struggled a lot.

All my friends were also sad and it was depressing as hell.

After this semester I’m entering into the final year of my college and it is very overwhelming for the reason that the past few years have been extremely difficult for everyone. Including me. I’m just surprised that I’m still sane. (Super proud)

I’ve been immensely hard on myself and I still am. I’m learning few things and one among them is never giving up.

I have a big dream that I need to work on but I’ve no confidence in myself. I’m afraid of failure and disappointing myself (which I’m used to but still…)

I just hope I survive the rest two semesters and get my degree because OMGGGG!!!! I don’t like college.

Other than that I’ve been having mood swings (nothing new) and I’m making huge decisions for my future.

As much as it is scary, it is also very exciting.

I hope everything goes well because I really need this and I would appreciate your support.🥰❤️

I pray that all is well and good for you people too.🥹❤️

Take care. Stay safe.

Until next time.

xoxo

Been A while…

Hey everyone!

Wow! It’s been so long since I last blogged.

I don’t know, I was just busy with college work because regular offline classes started and it felt like I didn’t even have time to talk to my favourite people.

That aside, I just didn’t know what to blog about.

Writers block?

I have no idea.

Anyway, I woke up annoyed today because mood swings hit me last night.

I was in this terrible “I feel so insecure in my own skin and flesh” phase because I had some medical issues which later I learnt that many girls have them.

But other than that I was doing good. I get my mood swings at times but I always have my friends who care so much about me.

I just wanted to blog randomly because it’s been SO LONG!!!

I hope you people are safe and doing good.🥰

I just have no idea what else to write about 😂 so I’m just gonna end my blog post here.

Thanks to all those people who personally checked on me. I’m forever grateful that I’m part of this community.

Sending much love and virtual hugs to everyone of you!❤️

Until next time.

xoxo

2021 Recap…

I couldn’t sleep last night and I kept typing this blog post and gave up because my feelings and my thoughts were everywhere!

I was listening to “Photograph” by Ed Sheeran and the lines,

“Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing that I know…”

I could very much relate to the song and it’s just so beautiful. It also genuinely makes me cry when I gave up on that feeling long back!

2021 was such a hard year. I mean, who am I joking? It was very difficult. The past two years were like the Great Depression (not economically but mentally and literally and all of the above).

2020 & 2021 taught me how to mend my own heart, how to pick myself back up, how to cope without people you thought would be in your life for a long time…”

It also made me realise time flies even when your NOT having fun.

A year just zoomed by SUPER FAST!

Hope we don’t stumble and fall!

I cherish many memories I created this year. One of my favourites are bunking college and hanging out with my friends. I’ve visited beautiful places, took pictures, and absolutely loved it!🥰

I just want you all to know this this too shall pass and everything will be back to normal because we’re survivors and we’re strong and blessed!

I hope that next year gets better ❤️‍🩹

Stay safe and spread love and kindness.

Virtual hugs for everyone reading this and going through a tough time.

You can do it! Cheers 🥂!!

xoxo

(P.S. 2022 is pronounced as 2020(too). Have a good day y’all!😂)

Belated Merry Christmas!!! 🎄❤️✨

Hey everyone!

I was kinda busy yesterday so I couldn’t wish on time but…

Have a happy little Christmas!!

Hope it’s filled with joy and happiness!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

(And hopefully an amazing new year ahead…)

xoxo

Is Sexual Harassment a Trend?!

“It is UNLAWFUL to harass a person—”

And you don’t even need to finish the sentence to know that it’s utterly DISGUSTING to touch a person of the opposite gender without their consent!

Because!

I’m hoping you might get a clue to what this blog post is going to be about…

I’m gonna talk about my personal experience here because I’m so happy that I FINALLY get the courage to blog about it!

I’m so angry about this right now… but a few days back… it literally took me sleepless nights, panic attacks, my friends’ constant reassurance to get me out of the bed and keep going…

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t strong or brave enough to deal with this… I felt bad for myself… (I can’t even sleep- it’s 1:36 am here- because I’m still kinda disturbed).

So anyway, when I was in 11th I got harassed by my junior in my school van. I remember how I felt when he touched me… I-

*deep breaths*

I think I don’t have to run away from that memory and just deal with it!

So he touched me. Twice!

And me? My mind went blank… I had tears in my eyes (funny, because I feel numb now that I’m blogging about it) and I didn’t even realise I was holding my breath until the bus stopped.

I didn’t yell or slap him or defend myself. I did nothing. I just… I froze.

My sister was sitting in the front seat and I don’t even remember what I was thinking (what was going on in my mind) at that time.

Just blank… black… numb…

Kind of like, I died or something.

I remember how I felt. Vividly.

I felt powerless. I felt like, this boy (who’s younger than me) is taking away the freedom of my body! I felt like no one can touch me there and that I’d never feel okay because I knew, the boy touched me and now there’s a mark. Always.

And I’ve to carry that mark with me.

I know he’s the one who should be embarrassed but I can’t help myself because I pity me and I wanna get rid of that mark.

That black mark. The dark mark.

And ever since when a guy stares at me a bit too long I can’t help myself but panic. I’m not like judging him or anything… but ptsd I guess..

I was okay for some days and a year after that the drama finally got over (in real life and in my head…).

And then recently…

I take the public transport (the bus) when there’s no one to pick me up from college.

And please understand when I say I’m a pampered kid…

My parents were very overprotective and strict and concerned about my whereabouts and as much as I was happy to travel alone by myself independently… life proves me wrong..

I got in a crowded bus one day because it was raining and I was in a hurry. I couldn’t find myself seat to sit because TOO MANY PEOPLE AND TOO EW!

So I stood there among other ladies.

Now, pay attention to this: it’s actually casual that men kinda accidentally touch a women in the bus. And okay, I understand that. But what I don’t understand is how ugly a men’s mind can get.

Please don’t get mad at me. I respect men. But men like him- someone who touches without consent does not give an opportunity to understand good men.

“And good men doesn’t get enough credits because of these hell deserving people.”

My friend told me that and I think it’s very disappointing.

So that guy, actually took advantage of the crowded bus and touched me…

I know it might have been a mistake but it’s my body and I’d know if someone touch me with a bad intention.

And he gave me a smile…

Oh. My. God.

There was that feeling. That… painful and powerless feeling…

He should be the one disgusted for touching me without my permission. Yet, there I was. The second time. Nothing changed.

I never told anyone. I tried to forget.

And then…

Few days back (and a few days later that bus incident) we all came to know that a professor in my college tried to assault a student of him.

I-

*sigh*

She went and complained to the cops and they took immediate action.

I was so proud of her! What she did was right and awesome!! I just wanted to know who she was and go and give her a big hug!!!

But I felt so overwhelmingly numb.

Because 1. I got that feeling when I heard the news and 2. The feeling got worse when I knew that I actually spoke and exchanged numbers with that professor.

However, my friends were supportive and this one guy was really sweet and I actually slept that night because of him.❤️

And the girl was okay. Because of her many other girls came forward and filed a complaint on him and they arrested him. So good!🥰

But I wanna know.

It’s been happening a lot recently and many girls (young girls) have suicided because that’s how much of a mental stress and pain this is!

What’s wrong with men? Or women who harass men? (Because that happens too and no one talks about it)

Why do people force their sexual desires on the opposite gender? What pleasure do they get?

I really don’t understand what childhood trauma they went through or what psychological predicament they deal with it’s just so downright frustrating!

But I’ve been a victim of this and I wanna share my thoughts and views on this!

What do you think? What kind of punishment do these people deserve? (I’ve one disturbing torture in my mind that my friend suggested… but okay. Let’s save it.)

Let’s have a discussion about this on the comments below…