And you don’t even need to finish the sentence to know that it’s utterly DISGUSTING to touch a person of the opposite gender without their consent!
I’m hoping you might get a clue to what this blog post is going to be about…
I’m gonna talk about my personal experience here because I’m so happy that I FINALLY get the courage to blog about it!
I’m so angry about this right now… but a few days back… it literally took me sleepless nights, panic attacks, my friends’ constant reassurance to get me out of the bed and keep going…
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t strong or brave enough to deal with this… I felt bad for myself… (I can’t even sleep- it’s 1:36 am here- because I’m still kinda disturbed).
So anyway, when I was in 11th I got harassed by my junior in my school van. I remember how I felt when he touched me… I-
I think I don’t have to run away from that memory and just deal with it!
So he touched me. Twice!
And me? My mind went blank… I had tears in my eyes (funny, because I feel numb now that I’m blogging about it) and I didn’t even realise I was holding my breath until the bus stopped.
I didn’t yell or slap him or defend myself. I did nothing. I just… I froze.
My sister was sitting in the front seat and I don’t even remember what I was thinking (what was going on in my mind) at that time.
Just blank… black… numb…
Kind of like, I died or something.
I remember how I felt. Vividly.
I felt powerless. I felt like, this boy (who’s younger than me) is taking away the freedom of my body! I felt like no one can touch me there and that I’d never feel okay because I knew, the boy touched me and now there’s a mark. Always.
And I’ve to carry that mark with me.
I know he’s the one who should be embarrassed but I can’t help myself because I pity me and I wanna get rid of that mark.
That black mark. The dark mark.
And ever since when a guy stares at me a bit too long I can’t help myself but panic. I’m not like judging him or anything… but ptsd I guess..
I was okay for some days and a year after that the drama finally got over (in real life and in my head…).
And then recently…
I take the public transport (the bus) when there’s no one to pick me up from college.
And please understand when I say I’m a pampered kid…
My parents were very overprotective and strict and concerned about my whereabouts and as much as I was happy to travel alone by myself independently… life proves me wrong..
I got in a crowded bus one day because it was raining and I was in a hurry. I couldn’t find myself seat to sit because TOO MANY PEOPLE AND TOO EW!
So I stood there among other ladies.
Now, pay attention to this: it’s actually casual that men kinda accidentally touch a women in the bus. And okay, I understand that. But what I don’t understand is how ugly a men’s mind can get.
Please don’t get mad at me. I respect men. But men like him- someone who touches without consent does not give an opportunity to understand good men.
“And good men doesn’t get enough credits because of these hell deserving people.”
My friend told me that and I think it’s very disappointing.
So that guy, actually took advantage of the crowded bus and touched me…
I know it might have been a mistake but it’s my body and I’d know if someone touch me with a bad intention.
And he gave me a smile…
Oh. My. God.
There was that feeling. That… painful and powerless feeling…
He should be the one disgusted for touching me without my permission. Yet, there I was. The second time. Nothing changed.
I never told anyone. I tried to forget.
Few days back (and a few days later that bus incident) we all came to know that a professor in my college tried to assault a student of him.
She went and complained to the cops and they took immediate action.
I was so proud of her! What she did was right and awesome!! I just wanted to know who she was and go and give her a big hug!!!
But I felt so overwhelmingly numb.
Because 1. I got that feeling when I heard the news and 2. The feeling got worse when I knew that I actually spoke and exchanged numbers with that professor.
However, my friends were supportive and this one guy was really sweet and I actually slept that night because of him.❤️
And the girl was okay. Because of her many other girls came forward and filed a complaint on him and they arrested him. So good!🥰
But I wanna know.
It’s been happening a lot recently and many girls (young girls) have suicided because that’s how much of a mental stress and pain this is!
What’s wrong with men? Or women who harass men? (Because that happens too and no one talks about it)
Why do people force their sexual desires on the opposite gender? What pleasure do they get?
I really don’t understand what childhood trauma they went through or what psychological predicament they deal with it’s just so downright frustrating!
But I’ve been a victim of this and I wanna share my thoughts and views on this!
What do you think? What kind of punishment do these people deserve? (I’ve one disturbing torture in my mind that my friend suggested… but okay. Let’s save it.)
Let’s have a discussion about this on the comments below…
I know it’s been so long since I last blogged (my one year anniversary post doesn’t count!)
I’ve been saying that I’ve too many college work and yes but also I’ve been struggling.
But I’m not gonna just say about the bad things. Imma mention some good stuff too.
I guess I’ll start with the good ones because that’ll help me feel better.
So here goes…
MY DAD IS ALLOWING ME TO STUDY M.A ENGLISH!!!
I’ve always wanted to do higher education and my dads finally allowing me for that. He told I can do anything with my education but I shouldn’t get distracted and disrespect him.
If he’s seriously talking about boys and stuff he really has nothing to worry about because boys dump me 😎 (hiding pain behind coolers).
Anyway, I’ve finally got the chance to pursue my higher education and I’ve always wanted to do it in Loyola College, Chennai (I’ve also wanted to go abroad and study..) but let’s see. I’m having second thoughts and I’m already in pain. So I need some guidance and before that I’ve to finish my degree.
The second best thing in my life (which is also the first but okay) are dogs.
In my religion, dogs are not allowed inside the house because there’s a belief that angels won’t come if there are dogs.
I believe that dogs are the actual angels and that’s why other angels aren’t allowed because…
Oh gosh! Dogs are the best.!
They make me so happy.
My friend has this German Shepard named Sam and he brings it to my home for me and my little sister to play with whenever I’m kinda sad and after seeing Sam my mood instantly changes.
I really need a doggo of my own and I swear to god I’ll be more than the happiest girl on the entire universe!
Few days back I saw a Labrador that looked like the dog “Jimmy” we had and I missed him.
We had him when I was a kid and he used to be my best friend because I was the first child and I had no one to play with.
It was my grandfathers dog but me and Jimmy play a lot. He’s very protective of me and is always around me.
But he grew, he got old and sick and he died…
I was a kid at that time… I guess I was studying in 5th grade… I’m not sure…
But I know that I haven’t completely gotten over the fact that my first best friend isn’t here anymore…
I miss him.
My grandad never got another dog after him because he couldn’t handle the pain of losing Jimmy and I guess that’s why I didn’t even bother to ask for another dog because I was scared.
But now I want a dog. I don’t know what changed but few years back I wanted to get a dog and name him “Jimmy”. ❤️🩹
Good things are pretty much over I guess.
Bad things… there are a list…
Apparently, I’m depressed and heartbroken.
That ain’t me. I’m usually the sunshine and glitter confetti.
I just have no energy to deal with people so I uninstalled Instagram.
I wanted to relax, feel the sadness and just stay in bed and read like there’s no tomorrow!
BUT I HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE BECAUSE I’M COMPLETELY PACKED WITH COLLEGE WORK!!!
I was kinda free yesterday so I did some reading on the essay and then I slept early so I guess I’m okay now.
I just need some personal space to let me feel all the pain.
I feel like the past is haunting me. (That’ll be like a whole other blog. Maybe next time.)
So I’ve been hurting mentally and physically.
I wanna deal with it but I find no time for that.
Two of my guy friends keep checking on me and I guess the others are mad at me or worried sick and I wanna get better for them.
I’m just… I feel sick to my stomach whenever I wanna deal with it myself.
I feel like all these pain is too overwhelming because…
Past, present and the future I’m worried about. People I care are also in pain and that is making me sad. There are family issues going on… I’m overthinking…
My heart palpitates and I sweat and I wanna open my eyes but I’m just too terrified of that and I don’t know! I just don’t know what I’m feeling or what I’m thinking but it’s like there’s too many voices in my head screaming for help.
And this is not me. I wanna get better. I wanna be okay.
I’m always just okay. Because whenever I’m happy someone I care about always get hurt. (It’s happened like a million times already.)
I’m so sorry for the rants. Rants are over now.
But I wanna know about your opinion on this.
What do you think I should do? Have you ever dealt with constant mood swings? Have you ever felt like you were too toxic to be around people you care about…?
I’m so excited to blog about this because the last two days I was all happy to make time to blog about this so here it goes !😂
I went on a family vacation to Yercaud. But before that I went to my native Coimbatore. I was so happy to meet my aunt and baby cousins after so long! But I also missed my grandfather so I’m kinda having mood swings about that right now…
However, I had a great time in Yercaud.
It’s such a beautiful place to visit and I took many pictures and videos to share it with you guys!🥰
The time we went was very cold and all the time I was like 🥶🥶🥶🥶.
But I also told myself to enjoy it because I had to. Being bummed about the coldness won’t do me any good. It’ll just spoil my mood and my family’s mood so I tried to enjoy as much as I could.
It’s not a big place but on the way up to the place I found cute waterfalls and I couldn’t resist taking pictures because they were so adorable.
There was fog almost everywhere!
We went to visit all the view points but we couldn’t see anything because it was all misty and the fog almost covered everything. That’s such a bummer but the places were still looking super pretty!
This place was so good!!!
We had to climb down a lot of steps and climbing up was even more hard because it was so tough and I started to breathe heavily like I was about to have a panic attack or something.
I sat at the small plastic chair and started talking with her and it was so fun. She said there are lots of monkeys here that steal snacks that are kept for the people and it’s so hard because she had to always keep an eye on them.
While she was talking a monkey was sitting a few steps down and looked at me all innocent and I was all like, “aww 🥰” but the lady was like, “don’t trust the dude he’s very cunning”. And that made me laugh because…
I didn’t give him any snacks because I didn’t have anything with me and I was afraid that it’s not healthy for them to eat.
So I went all the way up.
My legs are hurting now though.🥲
The next day we went to see the lake but again it was all foggy so we literally couldn’t see ourselves. But I loved the place!
This isn’t the lake it’s a garden surrounded by the lake.
I loved it here mostly because I got lost in the fog and couldn’t find my parents or my sisters but I went around by myself and enjoyed my own company and took many pictures and videos and sat down for a while and took in the silence and the calmness of the place and mist.
And then at the end I called my dad and he was scared because it was all foggy and he couldn’t find me but okay I enjoyed myself 😂.
Next we went to this “Poppy Hills” adventure stuff because my sisters wanted to go.
I didn’t go in anything because it was kinda drizzling and I had a terrible headache but I was playing with some cute animals they had there.
He came and looked right into my camera and licked my fingers and I wanted to kidnap him because I hated that he was caged!
I don’t know if the rabbits a he or a she but still.
They were so adorable and they played with me and they made these cute noises that was so calming!
Last night we set up a campfire and it was soooooo good.
After two whole days of coldness I had enough pain with that weather and I wanted to jump right in!
It was good.
Anyway, I had a good time and I’m so happy that I blogged about this. And shared it with you guys.
I hope you visit this place. Mostly during November and December if you love cold.
What are your thoughts on this?
What other places do you think is as beautiful as Yercaud?